Rashard Mendenhall Needs To Stop Fumbling

So, Beetlejuice has a fumble problem. That's 3 in the past 2 preseason games. He can run...no doubt about that...but fumbling in the regular season is not an option. Fast Bill has had this problem in his career, which pretty much prevents him from making the jump from a 1,200 yard back to an All-Pro. Honestly, that's his only major flaw. It's concerning to think that Mendenhall might have the same limitations.

The above pictures are all found within the first few pages of a Google Image Search for "Rashard Mendenhall." I mentioned these results to Cotter during the Vikes game last week, and wanted to follow up to see if my memory served me right. Yeah...it did.

Look at that ball. This isn't college anymore. NFL defenders will salivate like dogs being taunted with a piece of meat if you hold the ball out there like that. The best comparison I can make is Tiki Barber. In the middle of his career, dude would fumble like it was nobody's business. From 2000-2003, Tiki had three seasons with 9 fumbles and one with 8. He switched his mechanics, and after one more season of 5 fumbles, he finished his last two years with 1 and 3 fumbles respectively. The ball was clutched next to his chest, nearly under his chin strap.

An example of Tiki's fumble-proofing is below. Might be time for Rashard to adapt.

Not Good

Re-read my title for this post.

And again.

It cannot be stressed enough. Every training camp, the Steelers go for the early goal-line drill, hoping that someone will stand out as a versatile short-yardage back with substantial power. Since The Bus left, the drill seems to come up empty year in and year out.

This year, disappointment is leveled at rookie Rashard Mendenhall. Given three chances from the 1-yard line, Bizarro Beetlejuice failed each time. This might be unfair criticism heaped onto a rook, but much is expected when you score 17 touchdowns as a short yardage/power back in college.

"But Nick, our running game is fine. We have Beetlejuice, Fast Bill and a backup plan in Mewelde Moore that other teams would love to be afforded. And Willie was leading the league in rushing up to his injury in week 16 last season!"

I've tried to use this excuse in my mind, and it isn't working anymore. Willie scored two touchdowns all of last year, both on the ground. That's a massive drop in production, going between yards gained and touchdowns accumulated. You can run a 99 yard play every time you snap the ball, but if you can't punch in the ball while letting the other team score, well...it's hard to justify the lack of production in the points category.

Now, I'm not necessarily worried about the RB corps entirely. If Willie can shake off this, he should re-take his spot on the list of top RBs in the league, and Mendenhall could be a perfect compliment.

Stellar defense, Pittsburgh, but someone needs to break the plane.

Kevin Jones Might Sign With The Steelers?

FWP.
Rashard Mendenhall.
Mewelde Moore.
Kevin Jones?

I'm not going to go into this in great detail, primarily because it isn't a done deal, but reports say that former Lions flash-in-the-pan Kevin Jones might sign with the Steelers today. Its either Pittsburgh or Chicago. Let's look at his options:

In Pittsburgh, Jones has no real role. Najeh was released for this very reason. Fast Bill is the man. Rashard Mendenhall is the up-and-comer. Moore looks like he could be the third down back who also solidifies the return-man position.

In Chicago, Jones has a chance to be the guy. I say this with caution, since it is Kevin Jones we're talking about. However, Chicago let Thomas Jones go last offseason, only to eventually release Cedric Benson. Jones would most likely compete with the other Adrian Peterson.

Now, I don't want to speculate too much, since this isn't a done deal and Jones might go elsewhere, but I'm confused as to why Jones is even being considered. Our RB corps is pretty badass by itself, and Jones is coming off knee surgery. Time will tell if he dons the Black and Gold.

Steelers Select Rashard Mendenhall

The Steelers used their 1st Round pick, 23rd overall, on Illinois RB Rashard Munhall Mendenhall.

With Devin Thomas still on the board and Big Ben pleading for a tall WR, I thought the Steelers were giving serious thought to the Michigan State wideout. Rather, the team is showing its continued reliance on the ground game.

Munhall Mendenhall should compliment Fast Bill nicely. As a 'tween-the-tackles runner, Mendenhall helped Zooooook! and the Illini get to the Rose Bowl last season. His carries were down in college, so the Steelers get a low-mileage bruiser who could help immediately.

I watched Mendenhall several times this past season, and I can only say good things about his play. Yes, we didn't go O-line, but one can hardly go wrong with this choice.

Silverback To Start Pro Bowl, Steelers Still 0-2 In Last 2 Games

Props to James Harrison for being selected to start the Pro Bowl in his first season as Joey Porter's replacement. Its a far cry from earlier in the season, when we wondered if Silverback could finish the season after being taken off the field on a stretcher (above).

Big Ben, Fast Bill, Troy and Alan Faneca also made the squad. I don't understand how Casey Hampton was left off.

Despite the recognition, Ape at DC Steeler nation said it best.

Anyway, yeah, personal accolades are great. Now lets win a goddamn game, mmmmmkay?

The Pro Bowl is symbolic. It won't help us beat St. Louis.

Where's your head at, Steelers?



Oh, and good look to the fine folks who voted Sean Taylor as the starting Free Safety for the NFC. Well done.

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I kinda remember saying something along the lines of "9-5 would suck." Well...as it turns out...this sucks. Jags win.

I'm trying to figure out what sucked more...losing big in New England or losing a damn near winnable game at home. The sting hurts either way.

Tale of the tape: Awful play by both the D and O lines. Underlying theme: Troy Polamalu needs to stay healthy.

Two games left, and we still haven't punched out ticket to the playoffs. We're currently tied atop the North with the (ugh) Browns. However, out two wins against those idiots gives us the tiebreaker.

Only road games remain. In St. Louis and in Baltimore. Seeing as how we've already peaked, I'm not guaranteeing a win in either. We've been pure slop for the past 5-6 games. All I want is the playoffs, though. Only good things happened last time we were the 6 seed, so I'm not worried about placement. We aren't the Indianapolis Steelers or the New England Steelers, so the best we can do is play in the Wild Card round. We just need to take care of business and get in. The second season wipes the slate clean. Hell, look at Indy's Jekyll and Hyde defense from last season.

So yeah, there is a lot to bitch about in the Jacksonville loss. However, I'm trying to stay positive. After this, its all business focusing on St. Louis. Get the job done...make the playoffs...let both the defense and offense redeem themselves.

Bennifer. Played the first half like he had poop in his pants. That was pathetic. However, when the game was about to get out of hand, he responded by creating 2 solid scoring drives to tie the game. After the tie, its up to the D to stop the Jags and set up the win...or at the very least...force overtime. Ben put the team in position to erase a 15 point deficit in the 4th quarter. The D responded by bending over. Ben gets 3.75 out of 5 motorcycle helmets. He almost deserved a 4 for turning the game around late.

Willie. Stud. He was stuffed early and often by the Stroud-less Jags, but still managed to surpass 100 yards. That Roethlisberger-almost-sack-turned-into-pass-but-was-ruled-a-Parker-rush was ridiculous. Willie needs to stay on track to help the team make the postseason. He was a solid bright spot in the loss. 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets.

O-Line. Awful. 2 of 5 motorcycle helmets.

D-Line. Awful. 2 of 5 motorcycle helmets.

Troy Polamalu. Even with Aaron Smith gone for the year, the D can rebound with Troy back in the lineup. There's no one on the team who can close on a guy faster than Troy. Without him, there's no way we even tie the game. He helped make it close. I wanted to give him a 5, but he missed a couple of tackles late. 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets.

We can't let Steven Jackson run wild on us the way Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew did. Neutralize him...make the playoffs. Simple.

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We won. Can't ask for much more than that. However, Ben and Fast Bill did little to impress, and the 24-10 win can be credited to Heath, Hines and the D.

Faced with less bog-like conditions than Monday, the Steelers still needed to overcome serious weather. I was pissed that I had to walk out tin the rain to get something outta my car. Playing a football game in that nasty stuff had to be awful.

Ben complained about the wet ball early, but was able to reverse his fortunes after throwing a costly interception in the first quarter. On the flip side, Carson Palmer started efficient, but then proceeded to stink up Heinz Field no matter which direction he was going.

Despite the shady offense, the team looked more like a team capable of bringing down the Patriots in a week. I wasn't ready to say that after the Jets and the Fins game. I'm ready now. Resiliency, baby. We fought through the conditions and the awful start to create a decent win.

Tale of the tape: A win is a win. Underlying theme: Our D is the (collective) man.

Ben and Bill won't be getting 4s and 5s this week.

Ben. Eh. I've seen better. I've seen worse. We can look a this performance either way. He sucked early, but turned things around throughout. Or...he blamed his struggles on the conditions, threw some awful passes and only completed as many passes as he did because Hines and Heath had glue on their hands. Ben was the winning QB, so I'll try to be positive. 3.5 of 5 motorcycle helmets. Yeah, I've been giving fractions of helmets lately, but Ben can't make these same mistakes next week. CANNOT. This won't be stressed enough.

Bill. Gross. Stupid Jerome Bettis elbow condoms. Why didn't he take those bitches off? I'm not going to place the blame solely on those, however. Bill was trying to cut down on fumbles this season, and for the most part, he succeeded to this point. Fact of the matter is...Bill put the ball on the turf too much...overturned fumble or not. He somehow found a way to get 87 yards, which nearly redeemed him. Still...dude needs to find the endzone. Soon. 3 of 5 motorcycle helmets. Score, brother.

Hines. Round of applause, everyone. The record (64 receiving TDs) is his. No more looking towards Stallworth. Hines has cemented his legacy in the 'Burgh on more than one occasion, and this record was merely the icing on the cake. Sure, Stallworth and Swann took catches and touchdowns away from each other, but Hines has had to deal with Kordell, Kent, Tommy, etc. And he hauled in 11 damn catches a week after snagging 9. Well done. He gets 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets.

Heath. Needs the ball more. He isn't a safety blanket. He's a game changer. 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets.

D. Just like Ben, they faltered early, but found a way to completely turn around their performance. The D rallied after allowing an early TD, and each guy stepped up big time. Look at those stats. 2 guys with 8 tackles, one with 7, three with 6. Farrior, Foote and Carter were absolute beasts all game. This is the second straight game in which that trio belittled the opposition. That early TD damaged the ego a bit, but the D still allowed less points (10) than their prior season average (13.2). They're now allowing 12.9 a game. Ridiculous. 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets. No 5 here because of that first drive Cincy TD.

If you don't know who we play next week, you are stupid. We'll win. Write that down.

Monday Morning Chrysler New Yorker

With their 0-3 start in the AFC North and their 1-4 record in the AFC, the Baltimore Ravens are about as socially and culturally relevant as Picway Shoes* right now.

Yes, I just successfully referenced Picway Shoes in a Pittsburgh sportsblog. I will begin to accept any and all compliments now.

James Harrison is a beast (Thanks to Ed Spags for the vid). I watched him exit the locker rooms with no helmet and thought, "Man, this dude is a beast." Then, he proceeded to tally a season's-worth of stats. And just in case you were wondering, I'm no James Harrison-bandwagon-jumper-on-er. Take a look at my Blogger profile. That's no accident. He's been my guy for a while.

Tale of the tape: Ravens should have stayed home. Underlying theme: James Harrison was on meth.

I was in a state of euphoria at kickoff last night, what with the Pens dominating old foe New Jersey, the all-time Steelers team prowling the sidelines and the Steelers about to crush Jesus Lewis and the listless Ravens. That 38-7 final almost seemed too good to be true.

And yes, it was okay for Ben to still be in the game when Suggs pushed him. It was the 3rd quarter. This wasn't Tom Brady going for 4th and whatever late in the final frame. Oh, and I only referenced Tom Brady because his name was brought up about 50 times last night by the MNF crew. Honestly, can a quarterback do anything good without being compared to Tom Brady? I truly don't think so.

Enough of my rambling. Let's look at the studs and duds.

Bennifer. ***SPOLIER ALERT*** He's going to get 5 of 5 helmets. No picks or fumbles in the slop was what stood out most in my mind. Yeah, those 5 passing TDs in the first half were pretty good, but I'm more impressed with how Ben handled the elements and refused to turn over the ball. Compare that to Air McNair. Sure, Ben finished with only 209 yards (probably the lowest total by any QB tossing 5 TDs) but most of that was due to Baltimore turnovers on their own side of the field. 13 for 16 is just ridiculous efficiency. I know I already spoiled it, but 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets (one for each TD) for Large Ben.

Fast Bill. Did not impress me at all. Najeh seemed to be a better fit in the slop against a stout running D like Baltimore. William only averaged 1.8 yards per, and could not get anything going. I hope its due to the elements rather than the defense, and Willie returns to form soon. However, he can't continually blame the weather. It won't always be 65 and sunny in January. Baltimore was a test for the Heir-Bus, and he failed. 3 of 5 motorcycle helmets for pounding the rock 23 times despite being frustrated all night.

San Antonio. 4 receptions for a buck ten. 2 of those 4 were touchdown grabs. San Antonio had more receiving yards (110) than Baltimore had total yards (104). He dropped that one pass in the end zone, but recovered nicely to finish off the drive with a touchdown in the opposite corner. He played better than the entire Baltimore team (which wasn't hard to do), so I'll reward each of his catches with 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets and a hearty pat on the back.

James Harrison. ...was on meth all night. Dude was filling in nicely for Joey Porter all season, putting up solid stats and making sure Yinzers weren't questioning his roster spot. Last night, Harrison nearly made fans want to replace Porter with Harrison on the all-time team. Look at those numbers one more time. 10 tackles (9 solo), 3.5 sacks, 3 forced fumbles, 1 fumble recovered and 20 interception return yards. Most undrafted free agents would kill for a season like that. Harrison was an undrafted free agent who did that in one night, against every "expert's" favorite defense. 10 of 5 motorcycle helmets, just because I can.

Throwbacks. Those unis are now 2-0 this season. Plus, those "used Q-Tip" helmets were hitting balls left and right. Keep the unis. Use 'em every year. 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets for the throwbacks.

Ooooooh...the Browns are 5-3! I'm so scared.




*For those of you who weren't poor, Picway was a shittier version of Payless ShoeSource. It sucked big time.

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For those of you (in Cincinnati) wondering, we are dey.

Actually, with this being the 7th consecutive win by the Steelers at Paul Brown Stadium (including the infamous Kimo/Palmer knee injury playoff game), the team should officially change their name to the Pittsburgh Deys. Pittsburgh fans have cheered the Steelers for 75 years, I can see another 75 years of rooting for the Deys.

Big divisional win for the Deys...I mean Steelers. Coming off the debacle in Denver, the team needed to prove that they could win on the road against a far inferior D. The 24-13 win appeared to prove that point.

Tale of the tape: Balanced, low-risk win. Underlying theme: Enough muscle to make Magnus Samuelsson proud.

Sure, the Denver game featured guys named Polamalu, Hampton and Ward, but they hardly showed up. The rust was gone for all of these players on Sunday.

There wasn't a bunch of highlight-worthy clips, just pure football dominance. Several of the post-game shows (CBS, Fox) merely mentioned the score, then moved to sexier highlights with tight scores and big plays. Go ahead, CBS and Fox, show those Peyton Manning or Brandon Jacobs highlights. We'll see how far those take their teams come late-December. Personally, I'll put my money in a D that still refuses to concede 100 yards to any particular rusher.

With that being said, we dissect.

Benji. Needs to be said...that movie ruled. It was on TV the other day and I watched it so hard. Cinematography at it's finest. On to our Benji...#7 made plays when he needed to against Cincy. Ben tried to go down field too much in Denver, and the risk/reward ratio is very slim with a D that houses Dre Bly. In Cincy, Ben toned down the passing attack, kept the deep ball to a minimum, and used his feet to extend plays. I don't care who you are, that recipe is perfect for Big Ben. The deep ball to San Antonio worked because Ben pulled the defender away with a solid pump fake. With that fake, the reward end of the risk/reward ratio skyrocketed. Ben kept the pump fake working all game, especially on Hines' first TD, when he was wide open in the front corner of the endzone. Mix all that with the beautiful escapability that caused the Bungles so many headaches, and Ben kept it simple enough to make the game manageable, then made the plays to put it away. 19/26 for 230 yards and 2 scores. The interception comes with the territory (escaping the pocket and forcing a play), so Ben ends with 4 out of 5 motorcycle helmets.

Heir-Bus. Saying this has gotten so old/cliche, but how did Willie Parker get no playing time at UNC and slip to free agency? I saw an interview with Art Rooney II, and he said that in today's NFL, a WR with John Stallworth's skill would not slip to the 4th round, as he did in '74. Apparently, Rooney was wrong, because no NFL team (aside from the Steelers) even knew who Willie Parker was when he left the Tar Heels. That allowed the team to pick up Parker without using a draft pick, and now every other team is left scratching their heads. 22 rushes for 126 yards and a score. Those are mind-boggling numbers for an undrafted free agent. The only active undrafted free agent RB with more career rushing yards than Fast Bill is Priest Holmes. Its only a matter of time before Willie overtakes Holmes. He deflated the Bengals with or without blockers in front of him, and his speed just destroyed any hope of a Cincinnati win. 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets for the Heir-Bus.

Dan Sepulveda. 1 punt. Little Sepulveda involvement means good things are happening. 4 of 5 helmets for the 37 yard punt.

Anthony Smith. Nothing but good things to say about Smith. Its unfortunate that Ryan Clark is battling spleen issues. However, games like this might ease the transition from Ryan Clark to Anthony Smith at Free Safety. Smith had 10 tackles, leading the team. Plus, when Anthony Smith hits you, you'll feel it. The dude was poppin' errbody that touched the ball, and even Ocho-Cinco was seen congratulating Smith on a solid hit. Troy Polamalu didn't want the team to get rid of Chris Hope after the Super Bowl, citing chemistry between the two safeties. Hopefully, Anthony Smith can keep playing at this level to create his own chemistry with #43. 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets for a well-executed game.

Everyone Else. Yeah, I usually only pick a few players to highlight, but the whole team played an outstanding game. Jeff Reed made the FG he was given, Casey Hampton was regularly spotted in the backfield disrupting plays, Hines had 2 TDs. James Harrison played an outstanding game, what with 5 tackles and the forced fumble/fumble recovery. All facets of the team were clicking, save for Special Teams coverage on ensuing kicks. I know Glenn Holt had 5 kickoff returns, but there is no reason that he should gain 141 return yards. As long as the entire team tightens up Special Teams coverage and gets more pressure on guys like Carson Palmer, then Pittsburgh needs to be looked at as an elite team in the AFC. None of that "Second Tier" bs behind Indy and New England. The Steelers are 5-2 and are looking good in the AFC North. 4 of 5 helmets for everyone else.

Bring on the Ravens and Jesus Lewis. I can't wait for the divisional lead to be even greater.

Fast Bill Graces ESPN The Mag Cover

Oh no, Fast Bill is on the cover of the latest ESPN the Magazine. I don't read ESPN the Magazine, so I'm sorry if this is old news to you. I stick with Sports Illustrated. However, as long as there is no ESPN the Mag curse (as there is with SI), I'll allow the photoshoot.

Willie's starting to make waves now that he's leading the league in rushing through the first five weeks. There's even a slim chance Willie could still be atop the list after this coming bye week, that is, if guys like Willis McGahee, Edgerrin James, Ronnie Brown and LaMont Jordan have subpar games. Travis Henry, who is second on the list and only 9 yards behind Parker, is also on a bye. And he could still be suspended for smoking pot.

If he keeps up this pace, he could do something that his predecessor, Jerome Bettis, never accomplished. Bill could take the league's rushing title. I know its early, but its fun to dream.

If he does that, he'll need a Bus-like nickname. I'm thinking Heir-Bus (get it, heir-bus = airbus). The only way to prove that you're an heir to a team legend is to do something that will be remembered in the league (think Steve Young asking for the monkey to be taken from his back in the Super Bowl).

Or we could just stick with Fast Bill/Willie. That works, too.

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Right now, there are so many animated gifs on the site that you might have a seizure. However, It would be the sweetest seizure of all time.

For those of you wondering what the hell is going on, this is a Tecmo Bowl-inspired animation of Najeh Davenport. It comes from one of my all-time favorite sports satire sites, SAS Wiki. And yes, that is Najeh Davenport dropping fecal matter into a basket of dirty clothes. Full Dump Truck glory.

Najeh is pictured primarily because he kicked some major ass against the Seattle Mocha Lattes. Although Najeh is in Green Bay colors, here, it was worth it to use this graphic.

What better way to forget last week's travesty than with a good, old fashioned shutout. 21-zip Good Guys. Take that, bitchy Seattle fans who can't let go of the Super Bowl XL loss.

Tale of the tape: Big Ben's efficiency. Underlying theme: Dominance despite injuries.

If Seattle hadn't failed to show up, Big Ben had a chance to erase Bubby Brister from the franchise record books. He finished with 13 straight completions, two shy of Brister's record. Unfortunately for Bennifer, the game was all but won, there was no need to risk a pass, and Charles Batch cleaned up the game.

All in all, the game was a remarkable turnaround from last week. The team started off rather sluggish, but absolutely dominated from the end of the second quarter through the end of the game. And this without several key starters.

Let's digest:

Ben. After starting the game 5 for 9, Ben completed his next 13, allowing him to finish 18 for 22, with 206 yards and a score. That, my friends, is a 120.8 QB rating. That, my friends, is how you win ballgames. Even with a ragtag receiving corps that was without Hines Ward and San Antonio Holmes, Ben was able to get the job done, distributing passes to nearly everyone else on the team. Fullbacks, Tight Ends, former Punt Returners...everyone decided to get in on the action. The biggest stat might be zero...as in turnovers by the Quarterback. Ben's counterpart threw the costly interception on the goal line this game. Ben didn't. 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets for the efficient game.

Bill Parker/Dump Truck. What a wicked combo. Willie will get his yards, 102 on 28 carries, and Najeh will be there on 3rd down/short yardage. One of the biggest question marks this past offseason was who would fill the void left by Bettis two years earlier. Najeh worked well last season, and has done nothing but progressed since. Dude broke so many tackles against Seattle, and scored twice. Combined, Fast Bill Davenport rushed 35 times for 160 yards and those two scores. 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets. This is what needs to happen week in and week out.

Receiving Corps. Last week, San Antonio shined...and that was it. This week, Hines remained on the sidelines, and San Antonio joined him. This could have been disastrous for the Steelers, but everyone else decided to step it up. Heath and Ced both caught at least 4 passes while averaging at least 11 yards per, and guys like Carey Davis and Willie Reid came to play as well. Najeh grabbed his share of passes, and Nate Washington got in on the act, too. I nearly blew a fuse when I heard San Antonio wouldn't be playing after injuring his hammy in pre-game warm ups, but the receiving corps made the game easier to watch. Seattle should have been able to exploit the fact that our top two receivers were prowling the sidelines. They didn't. 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets for the other guys.

Dee. This week, the D wanted to keep pace with the O in key players watching from the side. Casey Hampton and Troy Polamalu kicked it lightly on the side while the guys who came to play did just that. For those of you counting at home, the D has allowed just 47 points through the first 5 games. That's the fourth-best start in franchise history, bested only by three Steelers teams that played in the '30s. Who says the Steel Curtain died in the '80s? Who said Joey Porter shouldn't have been let go? Who said our Defensive Backs were too small? The D pitched a shutout, all while holding Seattle to under 150 total yards offensively. I can't give anything less than 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets for that. Job well done.

The only thing wrong is that we get no Black and Gold next week. I might lose my mind...

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Two points before I get into this. Arizona was offsides on the last Roethlisberger pick, and the spot on the Leinart 4th down conversion was bullshit. That's all you'll hear me say about those two instances. Don't ask me about them. They are over.

This loss was horrible to watch. The first three installments of MMCNY have been all peachy-keen (I won't be using that phrase ever again) and blissfully ignorant. Now, we get to tear into this awful gameplan, from the coaches down through the players.

Tale of the tape: 3rd and a thousand. Underlying theme: We now understand why Bruce Arians coached in Cleveland.

Who all underperformed in the desert?

Fast Bill: Check.
Offensive Line: Major Check.
WR Corps minus San Antonio: Check.
2nd Half D: Alarming Check.

I know Hines was out, but that's no excuse for such a major dropoff in the WR corps. I know Polamalu was injured, but that's no excuse for such a major dropoff in the 2nd half D. I know the Cards' D was lively all night, but that's no excuse for such a major dropoff in O Line and RB production. Pittsburgh should not have had to worry about pretty boy Matt Leinart and Kurt "New York Giants Turnover Machine" Warner. I think the game was awful to watch because this game should not have been lost.

On the bright side, after 4 weeks, my Terrible Towel is starting to get its mid-season scent. This was the type of game that warrants many a scream into the twisted, thrown-at-the-television, balled-up flag of the Nation. I know an undefeated season is the exception, definitely not the rule, but losses hurt...simply put. I'm gonna get into this bitch, and then I'm done with it. Forever.

Bennifer. Dan Dierdorf was practically wetting himself with your "escapability". It worked at the beginning of the game. It worked at the end. The middle parts...it didn't come out as much. Sure, the O Line sucked, but there was no reason to take 4 sacks. After that first touchdown, Ben stuck around in the pocket too much, and was at the mercy of the tough Arizona D. Too many mental mistakes (fumbles, ints, botched handoffs/pitches) made 3rd down seem like a mile every time. When Ben went back to moving around outside the pocket, it was nearly too late. That last touchdown drive was beautiful in every sense of the word, mainly because Ben was on the move at all times. Don't abandon that trait in the middle of the game. 3 of 5 motorcycle helmets.

Fast Bill. Thanks to monster games in weeks 1-3, Fast Bill is still averaging 101 yards per game. This game was just awful, though. 19 carries for 37 yards adds up to a 1.9 yards per carry average. The O Line was mainly to blame, so 3 of 5 motorcycle helmets seems appropriate.

San Antonio. Yes, he was only called that once. Holmes was the lone bright spot (aside from Sepulveda, but he was on the field more than I would've liked, and Steve Breaston returned one punt for a score) despite drawing most of Arizona's attention. Re-read his stats. 6 receptions, 128 yards, 21.3 yards per catch, 2 touchdowns, long of 43 yards. I called him a Pro Bowler in the first quarter of week 1. I'll stick by that claim. 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets.

Bruce Arians. Horrible. Terrible. Awful. Pathetic. I'm running out of negative adjectives here. The flaws in a Bruce Arians-run offense were highlighted in Arizona. Bruce is gonna use Willie to set up play action, then use the deep ball to spring Willie again, capping it all off with a pass to the Tight End for the score. Monotony. Repetitive. Any NFL coach will be able to deconstruct an Arians offense as if it were spelled out in front of them with crayon. Arians showed no creativity, and looked stupefied without Hines on the field. Ward was out, so Bruce was left scrambling with Nate Washington and Ced Wilson. Both receivers looked confused, because Arians refused to get them (primarily Ced) involved earlier in the season. Now, he was left to rely on underused WRs when Santonio was double-covered. The ultimate collapse was seen on the Warner fumbled snap which resulted in first and goal from the 4. He put all his money on Willie when Willie couldn't break free all game. Instead of passing first, Willie was stumped on consecutive runs. Then, when the only thing left to do was pass, he opted for the oh-so-repetitive pass to the Tight End. And we're supposed to believe a dominant safety like Adrian Wilson wouldn't sniff that out. 2 of 5 motorcycle helmets. Steelers Nation deserves an apology.

Polamalu-less D. Want to know how important a guy like Troy Polamalu is to a defense? Watch that game tape again. Prior to leaving the game, Troy used levitation to distract Leinart, forced a fumble and recovered another. The D was pitching a shutout early because Troy confuses the opposing QB. With him knocked out of the game, the D looked like practice squad misfits. Kurt Warner, who was all but washed up prior to last week, resembled the Super Bowl winning, league MVP player that he once was. Guys like Jehreme Urban were open like crazy, and Edgerrin James was quietly averaging nearly 4 yards per carry. Warner constantly exploited the middle of the field, where Polamalu thrives, and the D could only muster 2 sacks. Plus, the only turnover after Troy left was the freebie botched Arizona snap. I guess the Arizona O were who we thought they were (or something like that). 3 of 5 motorcycle helmets.

Losses suck. I'm done talking about this game. My attention is on Seattle.

Monday Morning Chrysler New Yorker

The Steelers rule.

Fast Bill Parker rules.

Mike Tomlin rules.

Sorry. I needed to tell you how I was feeling.

Pittsburgh prevailed over one of the two other teams with 5 Super Bowl rings, and the 37-16 win over the 49ers gave Mike Tomlin a 3-0 start to his NFL coaching career. The last time the Steelers were 3-0? How about 1992, The Chin's first year. I can't think of a better way to make the hometown fans forget about the previous coach. Tomlin is doing just about everything right.

Tale of the Tape: AFC North beasts. Underlying theme: Running back supremacy.

Ben Roethlisberger continued to play error-free football, and took the short passes rather than sketchy deep balls. And yes, I just said deep balls.

For some reason, Cleveland, Buffalo and San Fran all protected against the long pass. They challenged Big Ben to beat them with check downs, and Ben gladly obliged. I'm getting very repetitive week in and week out, but I'm only calling it as I see it. Ben should keep looking short til the defenses make him throw it long.

Plus, aside from a few late scores (after the game was already won), the defense had scored as many touchdowns as they allowed all year. Bryant McFadden used a keen block by Ike Taylor to break open a routine interception return. The block allowed for a pick 6, with Bryant bowling over Alex Smith on the goal line. Props to Smith for never giving up on the play, though.

Let's see what stood out in my mind.

Fast Bill. Bill wants to be known as an elite rusher in the league. He's not shy about this point. Today was a great day to back up that statement. Going against one of the premier RBs in the league in Frank Gore, Willie pushed his SF counterpart to the side and destroyed his stats. He had 10 more carries and nearly 100 more rushing yards than Gore. The defense helped Willie out by keeping Gore in check, but Willie needed to prove his worth by one-upping a total beast. He did that in the personal Parker vs. Gore showdown. 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets for Billy boy.

Heath. If he would've made that catch on the sideline, he would've blown my mind. I'm surprised he even got his hands on the ball, because the coverage was perfect. Unfortunately, he didn;t get both feet in bounds. However, with Spaeth out, Miller and Tuman needed to step up. I predicted big things from Tuman in my mind (you'll have to trust me on that one, its true), and the TD was more than I could have asked for. Heath, meanwhile, was busy averaging 20.5 yards on his 4 catches. That's 82 yards, for you anti-math nuts. I want Heath to catch 8-10 passes a game, and 4 is slowly creeping in that direction. No TDs, so Heath gets a helmet per catch. 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets.

O. For a while, Fast Bill (and Allen Rossum) was the entire O. However, Ben got into a rhythm, and Santonnio made a brief appearance. Roethlisberger had 2 guys average over 16 yards per catch with at least 3 grabs (Miller, Holmes), and put up 37 points despite the slow start. This gives the O 97 points through 3 games. Pittsburgh has given up 26 total points. The O is getting it done, and there should be no argument over the 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets that they get.

Rossum. Yes, the Steelers struggled after getting rid of Antwaan Randle El. I will be the first to admit that. Special teams has been abysmal since his departure, and the fans have been praying for a legit return man. Allen Rossum is a legit return man. His 98 yarder allowed him to average 60 yards on his 2 kick returns. I'd say that Randle El curse is over. 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets for spotting the O a lead.

D. Those bastards gave up the most points so far this season. I can say this with a smile, because it was only 16 points. When you score 37, allowing a 16 spot is overlook-able. Only 2 sacks this game, but McFadden's pick 6 sealed the win. Troy was flying everywhere, Deshea made some nice hits, Woodley got another sack and Lawrence Timmons tallied two tackles. As I said earlier, the D has only allowed 26 points through 3 games. That's including the 16 they gave up on Sunday. I'll give em 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets. Too many points allowed (sarcasm).

Monday Morning Chrysler New Yorker

I don't care if you liked them...I thought those throwbacks were pretty fly. That outlined stripe running down the leg...awesome. And the gold helmets were a badass change. The Bills shoulda wore their throwbacks, which are also pretty cool.

That man in the above picture is nuts. In past seasons, Fast Bill's home run shot would come after 10-12 really short gains. I'm talking 1-yard gains and the like. Today, Bill came out the gate firing. He displayed his skillz early and often, and the combination of Fast Bill and Roethlisberger's underneath tosses eventually wore out the overmatched team from Buffalo. 26-3, give the credit to the throwbacks.

Tale of the tape: Consistent Steelers offense. Underlying theme: 3rd downs converted early in the game allowed Ben to gain confidence in passing to the underneath routes.

Ben Roethlisberger. The Bills didn't want to give up the long pass, so Ben took what he was given, and allowed the receivers to do the rest. Ben was coming off a stud performance against the Browns, but played a team that wouldn't allow a repeat performance (in terms of touchdowns thrown). He finished 21-34 for 242 yards, with a touchdown and a pick. The pick is what concerned me. To this point in the young season, Ben has made perfect decisions, and accepted the short passes to check-down receivers that he could manage. However, there's always been that I-wanna-be-a-gunslinger-mentality in Large Ben, and his interceptions come when he gets over-confident. I can see tossing a bomb downfield immediately following a turnover, to catch the team off guard. He didn't need to force a downfield pass today when the short stuff was working. More yards than last week, less touchdowns and his first pick of the season results in Ben getting 3 of 5 motorcycle helmets. He got 4 helmets last week, so I couldn't give him the same because of the pick. He played well, though.

Fast Bill. 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets. I couldn't wait any longer to spit that one out. Willie is showing a level of maturity that probably makes the University of North Carolina football coaches want to smack themselves. Common consensus says that Bill is a home run hitter. Adding to that, I'm prepared to call him Albert Pujols or something (he once called himself a line drive hitter with power). He'll get you the home runs, but he's also sprinkling in a bunch of 2-RBI doubles. The Bills had no chance when Fast Bill turned the corner. He consistently threw down 10+ yard gains, and even took his show up the middle. No fumbles this week with 23 carries for 126 yards and a score. That's 5.5 yards per carry. He deserves all 5 of the helmets I gave him.

Nate Washington. Big Nate looked more like the guy who was providing key receptions during the playoff run to the Super Bowl rather than the shadow who took his place during last season and this current preseason. He had one drop, but that was overshadowed by his 3 receptions. How can 3 receptions mean anything? Um...when you average 20 yards per catch. He's gonna drop some balls. We need to just accept that fact. However, he is only needed to provide third or fourth WR-quality depth, and he did more than that with 60 yards receiving. I'll give a helmet per reception, which provides Nate with 3 of 5 motorcycle helmets. Without the one drop, which was clearly Nate's fault, he could have made his MMCNY debut with 4 helmets. Alas.

Jeff Reed. If Jeff keeps making MMCNY appearances, it means the offense isn't clicking like it should. Shaft opened the game with 4 unanswered FGs, before Matt Spaeth caught a touchdown in his second consecutive game. I'm gonna invade Jeff's space here for a moment, but the emergence or Spaeth makes the Steelers O ridiculously stacked when it gets into the red zone. Its early, so the offense hasn't reached its full potential, but later in the season, Spaeth could make it impossible for opposing defenses to cover all the weapons on the Pittsburgh O. Back to Shaft...he finished 4 of 4. I could give him a perfect 5 of 5 helmets for the perfect FG completion percentage, but I'll give him one for each made FG. 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets. I expect him to hit every FG. Sorry if that's just me.

D. Last week, they had 6 sacks and 5 turnovers...albeit against an awful team. Only 4 sacks today with no turnovers. The O was on the field for an incredible amount of time (35 and a half minutes compared to Buffalo's 24 and a half minutes), so a consistent O was the defense's best friend. Woodley got his first sack, Deshea always seemed to be around the ball, and young guys like McFadden and Anthony Smith were involved in a bunch of plays. Captain James Farrior finished with 10 tackles, and the defense didn't allow a touchdown. I couldn't give them a repeat 5 of 5, but I will give the D 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets. Job well done.

Next up, Alex Smith and the 49ers. The Steelers are gonna liquefy them.